I woke up at 5:30 a.m. after a frustrating, angry dream I had about my ex. The longer my eyes were open, the more the details of the dream began to fade. The emotions and tone of the dream still held on, until I had a spontaneous thought. “You know, it’s time to forgive him.”
It was certain. I didn’t know how, but I knew it WAS indeed time.
I turned over in the bed.
Suddenly, I felt a rushing of something outside of me “jump” into my whole body. I felt chills flood my entire body. Something — some sort of tingling sensation — came through the top of my head me and permeated my whole self. My body tingled and danced. Another way to explain it is this — I felt like I was a colander, held underneath a faucet, “water” pouring over and through me.
In that instance, I had a complete shift in my perspective I felt released from worries and pain. I felt any anxiety slip away. I felt a soft certainty that I could handle anything that crossed my path. I knew time as I know it is irrelevant. I had a certitude that “today is the first day of my adult life.”
I also felt like I could easily make choices, starting with the one to get out of bed at that moment and journal. I could always go back to sleep.
Today is the first day of my adult life. I accept the circumstances that have brought me to today, and I trust myself that I have what I need to move on.
I can trust myself to focus. I can trust myself to care for myself like no other can. I can trust the guidance I receive. I know I am not alone. I am guided and loved by God, and all the universal beings of love. I am never without love. Everything I seek is within me or within reach. Everything I need is right here.
I call myself into being. … To forgive myself — I know that coming into being is a process – many steps – a journey. I forgive myself for anxiety. I forgive myself for nerves. I forgive myself for not treating my body in a way it deserves to be treated. I forgive myself of setting unattainable expectations. I call myself back.
I’m still feeling that presence and solidity in my self. I don’t know what that was. I don’t need to name it.